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Friday, March 6, 2015

A Special Visit with Ally

Dinner at The Vortex
This past weekend, we had the great honor of welcoming our friend Ally (Shybiker in the blogosphere) to Atlanta for a visit with us! Ally and I have known each other for six years and have some mutual friends in common. We’ve been exchanging mail, gifts, emails, and phone calls for a long time now. 

In case you aren’t familiar with her blog yet, Ally is transgender. She is a woman through and through, although she might be dressed in male clothing sometimes, and I have truly never thought of her as anything but. 

She knew she was a girl as early as three years old, but despite a loving relationship otherwise with her parents, she was never allowed to live as a girl. As my mother-in-law put it, it would be like telling a child with brown eyes to have blue eyes instead. But a lot of people in Ally’s world don’t see it that way, which is unfair, but it’s what she learned to live with growing up and even sometimes as an adult. 
Lookin' lovely. What fun to do her makeup.

In the last few years, she’s started finally giving HERSELF permission to be who she really is (because that’s the only permission any of us really needs, right?), and her blog has chronicled that journey beautifully. She’s learning all about clothes and makeup and all the other things she always wanted to do but didn’t feel she could, and she’s going a great job. 

She is also very, very shy. She doesn’t like attention drawn to her in big groups, although she can rock a courtroom like nobody’s business. I was hoping I could convince her to present as female in public here…trust me when I say you can do that in Atlanta without people batting an eye. There’s a very strong trans community here. She just was not ready, though, and I respect that too. People have to do things on their own time. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep nudging her about it, though. ;) Presenting as female would not mean she became more female, however. She is who she is regardless of how she might be dressed at the time. I just want her to someday have the joy (and, yes, excitement and butterflies too!) of knowing what that feels like. I think one day she will, and we will have a party to celebrate. 

Thrift sto' checkout!
The shoes!! Wish we'd tried the white boots.

We were able to go thrift store shopping one afternoon, a fave pastime for both of us. I loved seeing how she was totally comfortable looking through all the women’s clothing and buying it. That wasn’t something she would even entertain when we first met because she was scared, and it was beautiful to see her nonchalance about it in person. We also did a photoshoot of her in the backyard after I did her makeup, and that was tons of fun! (I’m really looking forward to seeing the outfit posts she comes up with around her thrifted finds - she got some good ones!)

My best friend came over one night so we could just enjoy girl talk, and she LOVED Ally and is still talking about what a great energy she has. She said she felt like Ally was another aunt for us, which I think fits perfectly. Ally was exactly like I thought she would be in person.

One thing I have to point out publicly so Ally knows I am serious - and it’s not to embarrass her. But she, for some reason, feels like our friendship scale is tipped. She feels like I’ve always been a better friend to her than she’s been able to be for me. This baffles me completely. Throughout the last six years, she’s listened to countless emotional outpourings, donated money for sick dogs when we didn’t know how we were going to afford their treatment, and generally allowed me to be myself with no judgment. That is priceless. Even wonderful people in your life don’t always “get you” 100%, but there is never that feeling with her. Being allowed to be MYself and her being allowed to be HERself…well, that sounds pretty even to me! She even cared to hear about my old high school insecurities and seeing my letter jacket…and just having someone who delights in all the things that make you YOU is very special. 

Here are some of the other highlights!

Things I “regret” (event though I don’t really regret anything from this visit!):

Vintage BMW bike at The Vortex since she's a biker! 
The waiter took a selfie on my phone.
Which I'd think was a flirting attempt,
  • Forgetting to offer fresh towels and a basket of fluffy towels and fancy soaps. At least I remembered to put some yummy bubble bath in the bathroom and even washed the towels…for a mom of a toddler, that’s pretty good.
  • I wish we had had more dress-up time! But I’m thankful for what we got. I’d have been so sad if she’d gone home and we didn't have that. 
  • I wish we had taken a walk somewhere. Especially after all the incredible meals we had (none of which I can take credit for, unfortunately.) But it was pretty cold and/or rainy.
  • I wish we had watched a movie at some point. I really wanted to introduce Ally to The Babysitter’s Club, heehee. But we had plenty of talk time, which was way more important.
  • We forgot to buy so many things from the grocery store! We practically had nothing, including toilet paper, even though we had just shopped. How does that happen?!
  • We never introduced her to okra or grits - two true southern staples! But she was introduced to fried zucchini at an Atlanta restaurant called The Vortex. I’d say that’s a win because we both decided there was crack in the batter. Atlanta might not represent what traditional “southern” means, but we still love our southern food. 
  • I didn’t much like the saying goodbye part either.
BFFs with my dawg.
Highlights of the visit (obvs, just a handful because there was so many!):

  • Seeing Ally’s face when she looked in the mirror for the first time after I’d just done her makeup. That was such a priceless moment. You don’t even know. She just looked at herself in amazement. (Although she doesn’t give herself enough credit for her own makeup skills.)
  • Just seeing her presenting as female at our house in person was priceless, even more than all the pictures I’ve seen over the years. Watching her entire face and posture and the way she carried herself change as soon as she was donning a dress was so amazing and made me want that for her 24-7 even more. It was a visceral, dramatic transformation, even though all I ever see when I look at her is a woman, regardless of how she is dressed, whether she has a wig on, and what name she chooses to introduce herself with to various people. Again, it wasn’t that she “became” more female by putting on the dress. It’s that seeing her relax into herself was nothing short of beautiful, as was (is) she, inside and out.
  • Hearing that the room she stayed in was indeed the girliest bedroom of her childhood dreams. I didn’t care what any other room in the house was like as long as that one was just right for her.
  • When she said how clean our house was, that it was beyond just cleaning for her and that we must just live that way. Boy, we sure have her fooled.
  • How well Ally and my husband hit it off. That was not surprising in the least, since they can both talk to anyone and pretty much get along. But they really had a great time talking and had a lot of things in common. I especially enjoyed when Ally would ask him something really deep…he’s not one to volunteer a lot of emotional-type things on his own, but he will when prodded. It was really interesting to hear the answers he gave to some of the questions and made me love him even more. 
  • Seeing my three-year-old daughter give Ally a kiss when she was saying goodbye. She is still talking about her.
  • Seeing how much my pets adored her. Not a surprise since I already how much she loves animals. But one of my dogs in particular is pretty resistant to strangers and very barky, and it took her almost no time to warm up to Ally’s gentle, patient, and loving nature. Most people are put off by my loud and exuberant dog, even dog-lovers. But Ally wasn’t taking no for an answer when it came to friendship. They really formed a special bond.
  • All of Ally’s questions are so poignant and really make you think. It’s always been that way, in all our various types of correspondence, but even more so in person. Although sometimes when she asks something like, “What kind of furniture do you want for your new house?” you wonder if she’s just curious or really plotting to buy you an entire houseful of furniture. (Ally, we don’t need anything!!!)
  • I loved proving to her that people in Atlanta truly don’t care what your gender is and how you present it. We ran into other trans folks just about everywhere we went. Even though we didn’t talk to them, I think just seeing them was a comfort and inspiration to her. 
  • It was initially going to be a Friday through Sunday deal. Getting to the airport for her flight home on Sunday, only to find out it had been canceled and she could stay with us one more day, was awesome!
All in all, it was a wonderful visit, still felt too short, and will hopefully be repeated sooner than later. Thank you, Ally, for gracing us with your presence and for being such a wonderful friend!
Saying bye at the airport. Our smiles belie our real feelings. :(
If you'd like to read about our visit from Ally's perspective (she has a beautiful and touching writeup), check it out here.


Shybiker said...

Your wordsmithery puts the rest of us to shame! I'd enjoy this entertaining post even if it wasn't about me. :-)

Seriously, I am amazed at how observant and perceptive you are. You notice things nobody else does. That's impressive. Just another reason to adore you. Hugs!

Suzanne Carillo said...

This was such a wonderful heartfelt and insightful read. I got the same vibes from Ally when we were in NY together.

You did a fantastic job of her makeup!

Brilliant post.

Big hugs to you!


Lisa said...

Hi, Jen. Thank you for sharing about your wonderful friendship and recent visit with Ally. I enjoyed your regrets and highlights lists. Laughed about not providing pretty basket of fresh towels/soaps and being lucky that there were at least clean ones. haha Real life in a normal household, right.? :)

Jazzy Jack said...

Just popped over from Ally's blog. What a wonderful time you had together, and how lovely to find truly accepting people. I identify as genderqueer, and have a lot to do with the trans* community, so I know how longed for is acceptance!
I too loved hearing how normal your hospitality is with a three year old in the house. Xo Jazzy Jack

Lyosha Varezhkina said...

I envy! looks like a great day to spend.

Inside and Outside Blog

Anonymous said...

I agree, your wordsmithery is excellent!! What a great word, I just had to use it. lol
I loved reading both of your posts about meeting up. You did a wonderful job on Ally's make-up and must have inspired each other tremendously.

Hollie Black-Ramsey said...

Stopping by from Ally's blog. She's such a sweetie and so are you!

Keely said...

I enjoyed SO VERY MUCH both blogs about the Jen&Ally Visit. Both of you are simply incredible. The type of friendship and camaraderie you have found in each other is rare, so special-- I'd write more eloquently but I'm blowing my nose and wiping my eyes and can barely tyyypeeee.Jfhjkakjd

;) xoxo

Emma said...

Stopping by from Ally's blog. It's lovely to hear your perspective on her visit, and I just had to say that I'm so glad she has a supportive friend like you :)

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said...

Thank you all so much! Comment reply function has disappeared for some reason, so I will just leave a big one.

I didn't have any qualms about my child being "exposed" to a trans person - Jazzy, that was very poignant of you to point out! Children have a beautiful understanding of things. I told her, "Ally is a girl even if sometimes she might look more like a boy because of how she is dressed." She didn't even have questions; she just accepted it as the fact it is. She did refer to Ally as "he" sometimes, but then, she's three. Just yesterday, she told my husband, "You know Ally is a girl," and he said, "Yeah, I know."

Thank you guys for visiting my blog from Ally's and taking the time to leave comments, which says so much in and of itself of your support for her.

And Keely - you and I got the same thang, girl. <3 <3 <3

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said... how did I completely forget to add in my post two key things:

1) Ally's legs are as fabulous in person as all her blog commenters continuously point out from pictures.

2) She taught me how to walk in heels, which is something I had never mastered.

oomph. said...

Ally does have wonderful legs!! i enjoyed both write-ups and agree with Ally that you are truly amazing. i love how comfortable and happy she looks in these pictures.

StylistSaraMN said...

Stopping by via Ally's blog & wow. Such a beautiful post about acceptance, friendship & love. Truly beautiful.

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