This is the "Note from the
Universe" I got in my email the day after I got laid off
from my job after seven years this summer:
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Me?
Concerned, Jennifer? Let's see, at the moment, you're exactly
where
you're supposed to be. Whenever the going has gotten tough,
you've
always bounced back even higher than you were before.
And,
somehow, you keep getting even better looking.
But
you are a dear for thinking of me.
Mmmmmwaw
- The Universe
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Needless
to say, losing my job totally threw me in so many ways. Even though layoffs are
rarely personal (I wasn't fired), you still feel like it's
personal. Why me? Why was I the one chosen...and when I had a
new baby, at that?
I got a
month's severance pay and started frantically looking for a new job. I was
terrified. Would I find one quickly enough that would allow me to continue
working from home to be with my daughter? Was I good enough to work for someone
else after doing the same thing over and over for seven years? What if we
couldn't pay our bills after the severance pay ran out? Granted, the job was
not one I had ever really liked in that span of time, and I won't bore you with
why. But it had become...comfortable. Well, in its own way. Comfortable in that
I was familiar with everything and knew what was expected of me. It was fairly
mindless and could be easily accomplished while my daughter was napping. It was
also decidedly uncomfortable in many ways as well. Even though sometimes I
complained about the mindlessness and wanting to use my creativity more, what
if a new job required more than I was able to give while still giving my
daughter enough of me?
It
finally started coming to me what I already knew and had known for some time: I
want to do my own thing. I want to do freelance graphic design, writing, and
editing, and I want to have enough clients to help with my share of the
expenses and then some. I want to enjoy my work again! I want to feel that
fervor and have it spill over into the other areas of my life, to have my
daughter pick up on that sense of pride and freedom instead of the same old
drudgery every day. I decided I was okay with being laid off, that bigger and
better things were coming for me, and that losing my job was just the swift
kick in the ass I needed to stop letting fear of the unknown hold me back. I
didn't have the luxury anymore of doubting my talents. I needed to find a way
to make money again! The irony of staying at a job that is unfulfilling because
you lack the confidence to branch out is that the longer you stay doing the
same old thing, the more it eats away at your confidence.
It was
precisely within days of mentally accepting the layoff that they called and
wanted to rehire me. And not just rehire me. Promote me. What did I do, you
ask? Did I tell them to shove it and then go out and start making tons of money
on my own? I wish. No. We have a child and pets and a mortgage. After much
deliberation, I went back. I can't say I even got much satisfaction knowing
they wanted me back. I really had become accustomed to the idea that I was
going to start doing my own thing and make it work. But "in this
economy," which I think has officially become a real cliché now, you are
told to take what you can get.
But.
Between the time I was laid off and rehired, I got a hastily written email from
a friend who found out I was laid off and had another friend who might be
looking for some freelance writing work. Her regular writer was on
vacation, and they found themselves with extra work that needed to be done.
This woman didn't know me from Adam, but she took a chance on me. Three times.
And she really liked what I wrote. She popped into my world and gave me the
chance to experience what it felt like to enjoy my work again. To some people,
the things I wrote might have seemed boring. But they lit me up just because I
was putting words together and using them to make some type of impact. You
might have noticed I really love the power of words! She also gifted me with
the opportunity to regain some of my old confidence back. I did some freelance
assignments, and someone liked them enough to pay me for them! Now, that is
a boost. I've been freelancing off and on through the years, but it felt
differently to have someone like my work when I had actually decided I wanted
this to be my full-time gig.
Through
her, I ended up attending some networking events, which required me to finally
finish updating my portfolio and get my own business cards printed for the
first time, a big step in telling the Universe, "Hey, this is what I'm
doing now!" I was scared to death to go and was sweating bullets. Who
did I think I was to assume I was good enough to make a living out of my
talents and start passing out business cards? But I met some really
important people through those events that changed me and my perspective in
some way, not to mention some potential clients. I can only say that I was
exactly where I was supposed to be in those moments in time.
And you
know what - I totally surprised myself. One of the events had an amazing
speaker, Wendy Watkins of Passion Fruit, and the entire lecture was taped.
Not knowing this at first, I found myself raising my hand to contribute when
she asked questions. I went from not knowing anyone in the room (yet) and
feeling clammy to realizing I had some important things to share and feeling
like I'd burst if I didn't say them. The other women in the room actually
laughed with me at some of my comments and nodded or verbalized their
agreement, validating that what I was sharing was meaningful. (I've been
told I made the cut for the videos that will be posted on her web site sometime
soon, so I'll see if I actually appeared as brilliant in reality as I was in my
memory, haha, and share them with you if I was!) And when the speaker
asked what our passions were outside of work and family, do you know what my
answer was? This blog. This blog that has given me the opportunity to help
girls and women change the way they see themselves for the better. In addition
to wanting to get my freelance career off the ground, I really want to take
this thing places. I have a message to deliver in a way that only I can deliver
it.
I'm sad
to say I have found myself getting "comfortable" again in my job.
Because I'd been there so long, I eased right back on in. There was no
wondering what to expect. Maybe there is or was a place for that mentality. But
no more. I'm publishing this post as my written letter of intent to the
Universe that I am going for it. As I was telling the woman I'm consulting as
my business/time management/mom-life coach from Guilt-Free
Mothering (whom I met at one of the networking events), comfort
zones are not always actually that comfortable. It might be easier to have a
mindless job in one sense. But blandness eats away at you. I don't want a work
life of bland. I want a work life of Tony's Cajun seasoned salt. heehee I want
to be that girl in the movies who suddenly decides she can't take it anymore
and quits her job, with no concrete plan for what happens next, just throwing
all caution to the wind. Like Julia in the show "Parenthood" just
did. Does that really work in real life? I don't know. Maybe for people who can survive a while on one income or people with huge savings accounts. I have a family counting
on me, so I don't plan on doing anything rash. I do, however, plan on taking
some risks and finally getting more than just a taste of what it's like to
enjoy my work. I'm ready to lay fear to waste and take the design, writing, and
editing world by storm!
My name is Jennifer, and I AM a graphic designer, writer, and editor. And
illustrator. And whatever else I decide to pursue! And I am damn good at what I
do, with enough clients under my belt to vouch for it, so no longer will I let
doubt creep in and sidle up next to me. I've learned, at least for myself, that
when I conquer one fear, another one inevitably takes form. For instance, first
I'm worried that I'm not good enough to pay the bills as a
freelancer...I kick that fear in the butt and decide to go for it. But that
gives way to the next fears. What if I'm so successful that I become too busy
and even more stretched than I already am? What if I find out it's not all it's
cracked up to be, and I miss the structure and comfort of a full-time job? I'm a bit afraid of success because, not ever having known it, I don't know what kind of changes it will mean in my life.
Something my husband often says when my thoughts are spiraling and I am having
a hard time making a decision (even when I know in my gut what I should do) is,
"What's the worst that can happen?" And when I answer that question,
I usually realize that the worst ain't that bad or at least isn't any worse
than my current situation if I do nothing. Tonight, when I was hesitant to go
to another networking event because I would be a little late, I asked him,
"What if I get there and I can't get in?" and he replied simply,
"Then you'll come home." It sounds so elementary. But when he put it
like that, suddenly it didn't seem so huge to at least attempt going, and I
hustled myself out the door and was immensely glad I went. Instead of focusing
so hard on conquering fears, I think what I really need to be asking myself is
how am I going to feel this time next month or next year if I have not taken
steps to change my current situation? And also this question: what if I find I
really, really like it?! I was afraid of being a mom too, but my desire to be a mom was bigger than my fear...now I wonder how I ever could have second-guessed myself. Having her is waaay better than I even knew it could be.
While I'm
at it, I want to see my name in lights. Ha! What that means for me, I don't
even know yet, but I know I want to see it.
Since I
started with a quote-type thing, I'll end with one as well. This one I came
across on Twitter.
In almost every case,
nothing is stopping you, nothing is holding you back
but your own thoughts
about yourself and "how life is." - NealeDWalsch
Do you like your job? If money were no object, what job would you
be doing?
What is holding you back from having the job of your dreams?
The pictures, with
their credits, can be found on the TCN Pinterest under Jen's Vision Board.
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