A Special Visit with Ally

Dinner at The Vortex

This past weekend, we had the great honor of welcoming our friend Ally (Shybiker in the blogosphere) to Atlanta for a visit with us! Ally and I have known each other for six years and have some mutual friends in common. We’ve been exchanging mail, gifts, emails, and phone calls for a long time now. 

In case you aren’t familiar with her blog yet, Ally is transgender. She is a woman through and through, although she might be dressed in male clothing sometimes, and I have truly never thought of her as anything but. 

She knew she was a girl as early as three years old, but despite a loving relationship otherwise with her parents, she was never allowed to live as a girl. As my mother-in-law put it, it would be like telling a child with brown eyes to have blue eyes instead. But a lot of people in Ally’s world don’t see it that way, which is unfair, but it’s what she learned to live with growing up and even sometimes as an adult. 

Lookin' lovely. What fun to do her makeup.

In the last few years, she’s started finally giving HERSELF permission to be who she really is (because that’s the only permission any of us really needs, right?), and her blog has chronicled that journey beautifully. She’s learning all about clothes and makeup and all the other things she always wanted to do but didn’t feel she could, and she’s going a great job. 

She is also very, very shy. She doesn’t like attention drawn to her in big groups, although she can rock a courtroom like nobody’s business. I was hoping I could convince her to present as female in public here…trust me when I say you can do that in Atlanta without people batting an eye. There’s a very strong trans community here. She just was not ready, though, and I respect that too. People have to do things on their own time. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep nudging her about it, though. ;) Presenting as female would not mean she became more female, however. She is who she is regardless of how she might be dressed at the time. I just want her to someday have the joy (and, yes, excitement and butterflies too!) of knowing what that feels like. I think one day she will, and we will have a party to celebrate. 

Thrift sto' checkout!

The shoes!! Wish we'd tried the white boots.

We were able to go thrift store shopping one afternoon, a fave pastime for both of us. I loved seeing how she was totally comfortable looking through all the women’s clothing and buying it. That wasn’t something she would even entertain when we first met because she was scared, and it was beautiful to see her nonchalance about it in person. We also did a photoshoot of her in the backyard after I did her makeup, and that was tons of fun! (I’m really looking forward to seeing the outfit posts she comes up with around her thrifted finds - she got some good ones!)

My best friend came over one night so we could just enjoy girl talk, and she LOVED Ally and is still talking about what a great energy she has. She said she felt like Ally was another aunt for us, which I think fits perfectly. Ally was exactly like I thought she would be in person.

One thing I have to point out publicly so Ally knows I am serious - and it’s not to embarrass her. But she, for some reason, feels like our friendship scale is tipped. She feels like I’ve always been a better friend to her than she’s been able to be for me. This baffles me completely. Throughout the last six years, she’s listened to countless emotional outpourings, donated money for sick dogs when we didn’t know how we were going to afford their treatment, and generally allowed me to be myself with no judgment. That is priceless. Even wonderful people in your life don’t always “get you” 100%, but there is never that feeling with her. Being allowed to be MYself and her being allowed to be HERself…well, that sounds pretty even to me! She even cared to hear about my old high school insecurities and seeing my letter jacket…and just having someone who delights in all the things that make you YOU is very special. 

Here are some of the other highlights!

Things I “regret” (event though I don’t really regret anything from this visit!):

Vintage BMW bike at The Vortex since she's a biker! 

The waiter took a selfie on my phone.
Which I'd think was a flirting attempt, but...lol.

• Forgetting to offer fresh towels and a basket of fluffy towels and fancy soaps. At least I remembered to put some yummy bubble bath in the bathroom and even washed the towels…for a mom of a toddler, that’s pretty good.
• I wish we had had more dress-up time! But I’m thankful for what we got. I’d have been so sad if she’d gone home and we didn't have that. 
• I wish we had taken a walk somewhere. Especially after all the incredible meals we had (none of which I can take credit for, unfortunately.) But it was pretty cold and/or rainy.
• I wish we had watched a movie at some point. I really wanted to introduce Ally to The Babysitter’s Club, heehee. But we had plenty of talk time, which was way more important.
• We forgot to buy so many things from the grocery store! We practically had nothing, including toilet paper, even though we had just shopped. How does that happen?!
• We never introduced her to okra or grits - two true southern staples! But she was introduced to fried zucchini at an Atlanta restaurant called The Vortex. I’d say that’s a win because we both decided there was crack in the batter. Atlanta might not represent what traditional “southern” means, but we still love our southern food. 
• I didn’t much like the saying goodbye part either.

BFFs with my dawg.

Highlights of the visit (obvs, just a handful because there was so many!):

• Seeing Ally’s face when she looked in the mirror for the first time after I’d just done her makeup. That was such a priceless moment. You don’t even know. She just looked at herself in amazement. (Although she doesn’t give herself enough credit for her own makeup skills.)
• Just seeing her presenting as female at our house in person was priceless, even more than all the pictures I’ve seen over the years. Watching her entire face and posture and the way she carried herself change as soon as she was donning a dress was so amazing and made me want that for her 24-7 even more. It was a visceral, dramatic transformation, even though all I ever see when I look at her is a woman, regardless of how she is dressed, whether she has a wig on, and what name she chooses to introduce herself with to various people. Again, it wasn’t that she “became” more female by putting on the dress. It’s that seeing her relax into herself was nothing short of beautiful, as was (is) she, inside and out.
• Hearing that the room she stayed in was indeed the girliest bedroom of her childhood dreams. I didn’t care what any other room in the house was like as long as that one was just right for her.
• When she said how clean our house was, that it was beyond just cleaning for her and that we must just live that way. Boy, we sure have her fooled.
• How well Ally and my husband hit it off. That was not surprising in the least, since they can both talk to anyone and pretty much get along. But they really had a great time talking and had a lot of things in common. I especially enjoyed when Ally would ask him something really deep…he’s not one to volunteer a lot of emotional-type things on his own, but he will when prodded. It was really interesting to hear the answers he gave to some of the questions and made me love him even more. 
• Seeing my three-year-old daughter give Ally a kiss when she was saying goodbye. She is still talking about her.
• Seeing how much my pets adored her. Not a surprise since I already how much she loves animals. But one of my dogs in particular is pretty resistant to strangers and very barky, and it took her almost no time to warm up to Ally’s gentle, patient, and loving nature. Most people are put off by my loud and exuberant dog, even dog-lovers. But Ally wasn’t taking no for an answer when it came to friendship. They really formed a special bond.
• All of Ally’s questions are so poignant and really make you think. It’s always been that way, in all our various types of correspondence, but even more so in person. Although sometimes when she asks something like, “What kind of furniture do you want for your new house?” you wonder if she’s just curious or really plotting to buy you an entire houseful of furniture. (Ally, we don’t need anything!!!)
• I loved proving to her that people in Atlanta truly don’t care what your gender is and how you present it. We ran into other trans folks just about everywhere we went. Even though we didn’t talk to them, I think just seeing them was a comfort and inspiration to her. 
• It was initially going to be a Friday through Sunday deal. Getting to the airport for her flight home on Sunday, only to find out it had been canceled and she could stay with us one more day, was awesome!

All in all, it was a wonderful visit, still felt too short, and will hopefully be repeated sooner than later. Thank you, Ally, for gracing us with your presence and for being such a wonderful friend!

Saying bye at the airport. Our smiles belie our real feelings. :(

If you'd like to read about our visit from Ally's perspective (she has a beautiful and touching writeup), check it out here.

Where I'm at Right Now in My Self-Love Journey

No makeup, no filter, no self-loathing.

I love the present-day self-love movement. I like to think I was a part of it way back when, when I first started this blog with my best friend. Social media has made it so easy for amazing organizations like So Worth Loving, Operation Beautiful, and Raw Beauty Talks to spread the message. I love all the self-love-themed songs that keep coming out - I even wrote my own (which I’ll happily post once I copyright it), and my current favorite is Colbie’s “Try.”

My own self-love journey has been one of winning lots of battles here and there but maybe never truly winning the war. Maybe that’s just a part of being human and experiencing ups and downs in life? I go through phases where I absolutely adore myself inside and out…and then something might trigger a downslide into a mini depression about it. It might be a picture of myself that I didn’t think was flattering. It might be comparing myself to another girl. It might be the way my stomach looks that day. In fact, it’s probably my stomach. I seem to feel good about myself as long as I like the way my stomach looks. When it is bigger from a meal or at the end of the day, I can get very self-conscious about it. Sometimes I sneak looks at it a billion times a day to see how it’s “holding up.” It doesn’t change the way I eat very much; I love to eat, and I still think if I want a donut, I’m gonna eat a donut. But how much of my day am I spending thinking about my stomach when I could be thinking about so much more worthwhile things? I mean, really. It sounds so unimportant when I spell it out in words. It feels so important at the time when we’re caught up in it, though, doesn’t it? Why do I easily and truthfully believe that all body sizes and shapes are beautiful...for everyone but myself?

I’ve gone through times when I embraced myself (stomach included), only to sink back again into worrying about it. I’ve gained and lost a little weight a few times. But I’m always me. My me-ness is still there, and my happiness with myself shouldn’t rely on my weight or appearance. Why does it sometimes? It’s not right that I love myself so easily when I’m at the weight I want to be and not as much when I’m not. Now, I do have a weight range that just feels best inside my body. I have more energy there and feel less sluggish, and my clothes that I love so much fit better. But it still shouldn’t be the end all, be all. That number is actually higher than most people’s my height, and it took me a while to realize that a number on the scale really is unique to the individual. It helped when nurses weighing me at the doctor’s office would do double-takes at the scale and say they thought I would be ten pounds less than that - as shallow as it sounds, it helped me see that my number looks fine on me. I don’t know if I just have heavy bones or what, but I’m good with it now. When I was in high school, I thought I was supposed to be 115 pounds. I didn’t realize then how vastly different that number looks on different bodies. If I were to actually go down to 115, people would start worrying about my health (they started worrying when I was only two pounds below the low end of my ideal weight). I know people making comments about weight either way can sometimes be destructive, but I’m glad they did in this case, because my own image of myself in the mirror had become skewed from reality.

So what do I believe in my core, even when I do things that go against my beliefs like Stomach Watch 1991-2015? I think healthy (or at least semi-healthy) eating is kind to your body - and I also believe indulging sometimes is kind to your spirit. I believe in exercising or dancing or doing some kind of movement to keep your body healthy, strong, and fluid even as you age - whichever one resonates with you the most or a combo. I also believe in not taking it to the extreme for the sake of being thin or pushing your body too hard. I love makeup and clothes and actually am sort of addicted. I’m not going to say none of that is for the sake of impressing people by looking good. But most of it is just because I really enjoy it. I also finally got to the point a few years ago where I didn’t have to have makeup on everywhere I went. Most of the time, I can now feel just as good about myself in pajamas and no makeup as I do in a great outfit and my face done. I like that I can experience both of those things without going to one extreme or the other. I don’t begrudge anyone who’s at either end of the spectrum, though; a balance of both is just what feels right for me. I believe you should change your appearance if you want to and leave it be if you don’t. If you do, make sure your motivations are in check. Outside validation feels good; it just does. But it can’t be the main source of how we view ourselves. Most likely, you’re already great exactly the way you are.

I have a three-year-old daughter. I don’t want her to catch me sneaking stomach peeks. And do you know that even when kids don’t see us doing those things and don’t hear negative self-talk from us, they know when we love and embrace ourselves and when we don’t. They pick up on it. I know because I picked up on it from my mom. No matter how beautiful and perfect she thought I was (and told me), I knew she didn’t think she was. And that sends a powerful message. She passed away before she could ever experience true self-love, and it breaks my heart every day. I don’t want that for myself or my child. It’s crucial to me to guide my daughter into keeping the same self-love she has now at three for the rest of her life - because I think most kids start out with it, only to have it slowly evaporate over time. I hope I’m giving her a good foundation to build on so that she can see herself the way I see her. And I want to see myself the way my mom saw me.

Think of whatever girl or woman tends to trigger your negative feelings about your appearance the most. And then realize that even she has those feelings about herself sometimes. Victoria’s Secret models get nervous and self-conscious - and don’t roll your eyes and say, “Boo-hoo for them,” because we’re all human, with insecurities, doubts, and fears. Everyone on this earth can always find in someone else some quality they wish they were more like. And someone’s looking at you the same way, trust me. Sometimes I have poise and confidence as I walk through town; sometimes I trip on a crack in the sidewalk or over a table at the coffee shop (true stories). It’s a beautiful gift to be able to laugh at yourself and realize that everyone else in the world feels what you feel at one time or another. It’s not until we start talking about it with each other instead of hoping no one notices - and thereby knowing others actually relate to us - that we can start freeing ourselves of our self-set traps. Simply talking about it or writing it down to share with someone automatically releases some of the power your insecurities have over you.

Something that also helps me, which I learned through coaching, is to visualize going inside your body into the area that causes you grief. Describe what it looks like - what color it is, how it feels (warm, cold, texture), how it makes you feel being in there. You can talk to it and tell it you love it - or tell it why you don't love it but that you really want to learn how to. This isn't a once-and-done exercise, at least for me, but whenever I make time to do it, it helps me. Visualizations where you walk up to your childhood self (or whatever age you were when something happened that changed the way you saw yourself) and tell her you love her and want to heal her are also really powerful.

I’m actually miles ahead of where I used to be, and I’m proud of that and thankful. I don’t want to beat myself up for my off days either, because that’s still questioning my own worth. I’m no longer trying to achieve perfection in my self-love journey or in myself. I think if I can truly love and embrace myself inside and out the majority of the time, that is something to celebrate.


Conversation with my daughter today...

Her: (singing "Try" while building Legos)

Me: That song is about loving yourself and being happy with yourself.

Her: (gleefully shouting) I LOVE MYSELF!!!!

Me: I am so glad to hear that. I love myself too. 

Her: Does everybody love theirself?

Me: Sadly, not everyone does, even though they should. I hope you always love yourself as much as you do now.

Labeling: The Good, the Bad, & the...IS?

Something that I have really started paying attention to in my life is how I tend to label myself, particularly emotions and traits of mine, as "good" or "bad." 

As an entrepreneur (I never get tired of saying that!), I have run across scads of other amazing and inspiring female entrepreneurs. One of them is Stephanie from Personal Branding for Introverts. While personality tests tell me I'm not exactly introverted, I definitely have some introvert traits that run deep. My horoscope explains it with my sun sign being Leo (typically extroverted/attention-loving) and my moon sign being Virgo (which apparently tempers my Leo-ness with a bit of timidity). So I really enjoy her insights on how to be confident and sell yourself and your services as a businessperson. One post in particular really resonated with me recently because she talks about those labels we tend to assign to things.

Sometimes things aren't really good or bad. They just ARE what they are. One example is how I was complaining to my business coach that I am just too impatient as a person and that I was feeling a lot of guilt over it. She said, "What if impatience didn't have to be 'good' or 'bad'? What if it's precisely your impatient nature that makes you a go-getter who has the gumption to run your own business and go after what you want in life?" 

I had never looked at it like that before, and let me tell you, that was life-changing. Ever since, I've been trying to consciously examine the things I assume about myself - whether inside or outside - and decide if it can really be labeled so concretely or if it just is what it is. It's quite freeing.

The very opener to Stephanie's post is:

Q: What makes a personality trait good or bad?

A: The word you choose to describe it.

Doesn't get much more powerful than that, right?

Sometimes, simply changing a word you use to describe yourself can make all the difference in how you view yourself - and, therefore, affects your level of confidence and sense of worth. Merely converting "timid" or "bashful" to "unpretentious" or "non-aggressive" certainly puts things in a different light, no? What if "loner" becomes "individualistic"? Stephanie offers several more examples, in addition to these, of adjective conversion in the post.

While the post is geared toward common adjectives that introverts might use to describe themselves, the principle can really be applied to so many ways we use to describe (read: judge) ourselves, whether you're introverted or not.

What is a negative self-talk adjective you commonly use, and what is the more positive equivalent you can start using instead?

How to be a Confident Entrepreneur

As an entrepreneur and mom (a "mompreneur"), I am well aware of the daily hits confidence can take. Motherhood and entrepreneurship bring you face-to-face with every insecurity you never knew you had. Each make you wonder if you're good enough even though you love it. Each will bring out aliveness, fears, passions, emotions, stresses, wonderment, highs, and lows. Try doing both at the same time like I am (with a toddler, no less!), and you're probably gonna struggle with low confidence sometimes and question if you're cut out for either one and why the hell you ever thought you could do a good job. A business is like another child, and both require a great deal of nurturing and responsibility. Sometimes it all gets a little overwhelming.

I worked in the corporate world for a long time and was severely unhappy. But I kept sticking with it because it was good experience and because I was afraid that I couldn't make it on my own. Entrepreneurship runs in my blood from both sides of my family, and I knew "someday" I would be one. I struggled along in misery waiting for the day that would magically feel like "someday." Then I got laid off. I got hired again but decided to amp up my freelance business I'd had going forever and see if maybe I could take it further. But I got burned out after a while. I decided I couldn't have a regular job, be a mom, and have my own business, so my own business had to go. Two days after I made that decision, I got laid off for the second time. WTF?! I took that as the ultimate sign that someone was not gonna allow me to get out of it so easily! My husband - who had kept telling me all along not to give up on my business - and I decided I would not look for another job, that I would instead devote that time and energy to my business. After a couple days of quaking in my boots and being afraid I couldn't do my part to take care of our family, I jumped in with both feet even more seriously than I had ever been before. I'm no longer doing it on the side or "hoping it will work out." I am making it work out. Shiz got real. I have myself a full-fledged marketing strategy, design, and writing business that lights my fire like no job I've ever had - and guess who I am helping? Other entrepreneurs. Clients are falling in my lap without all the traditional "trying hard" - clients that light my fire too, awesome people that I care about helping. Not to mention one stressful day working for myself makes me a million times happier than one good day working for someone else. 

But even with all of this, I have down days. I have nights where I lie awake with my hamster wheel spinning in my brain, telling me that maybe it wasn't really a sign from the universe when I got laid off…maybe all this is just a fluke…seriously, who am I to think I'm capable of doing this?! 

So here is what is working for me. This is not really new information, but maybe the way I'm packaging it will resonate with you. If you are thinking of launching your own business or already have one and wonder if you can do it, I promise if you follow these three guidelines, it will catapult you in the right direction!

1) Hire a coach already!

I love to tell the story about how I met my coach, Francoise Everett with Guilt-Free Mothering. We attended the same networking event for women, and I "happened" to sit next to her. It's customary at these events for everyone to say their name and what their business is, and when she stood and said the words "Guilt-Free Mothering," I had absolutely no idea what she meant or what she does, but I turned to her and said, "I need to talk to you." So, afterward, we did. I found out that she coaches entrepreneurial moms to help them not only launch or enhance their business but also release guilt from their role as a mom and find real ways to manage all the responsibilities without losing sanity or sacrificing yourself or your family. I was an easy sell on the one hand because I instantly realized the value in something like that. I'd been freelancing on the side for several years, but actually trying to make your own business your livelihood is a whole other ballgame, and getting some professional guidance made total sense! I also struggle a lot with guilt as a mom, and knowing she could teach me to overcome that would be a gift to my daughter and to me. Business coaching + mom coaching = a two-fer! Plus, I instantly liked her. I knew we'd hit it off and that she would be able to get through to me. And if you're going to pay someone to coach you and spend oodles of time with them, you'd better like 'em as a person.

The part that held me back was cost. I was afraid I couldn't afford it. But do you know that when I decided it would work and that the investment would go right back into my business, that was when the universe recognized I was taking my business seriously…that was when things began to open up. Quickly. It's kind of like how hiring someone to do your marketing for you (such as myself) is an investment back into your business. Sometimes we need an expert in their field to hold our hand and guide us to where we need to be. It might be a lifestyle coach who helps you figure out what you want to do with yourself. It might be a parenting coach. It might be a business coach. It might be a confidence or happiness coach. Whoever it is, when you take that step and realize you don't have to handle it all yourself, it opens up great things in your life. Even my coach has a coach. No one on this earth is done growing. We can all use strategy from someone who's been there. Someone to get straight with us and drill down to the root of whatever holds us back (that we didn't even know was holding us back). Here are some coaches you can look into, and this is only a sampling of what's out there. 

Guilt-Free Mothering with Francoise - for entrepreneurial moms and women
Stratejoy with Molly Mahar - for women in transition (relationships, motherhood, business, etc.)
Mara Glatzel - for self-love and growth
Hey Shenee - business and branding coaching
Moxie with Elizabeth Malone - to get your sexy back
Passion Fruit with Wendy Watkins - getting you in touch with your purpose and passion

2) Comparison is an evil joy-sucker!

This is Self-Confidence 101 for any area in your life. I'm always preaching that we need to stop comparing our looks and lives to other women and stick together because everyone struggles. I've gotten better about that, but running a business is quite a responsibility, and looking at what others in your field are doing, while often valuable, can make you wonder if you're as good as someone else. The main thing to remember here is: you have a story only you can tell. No one else in the whole wide world can bring your experiences and your particular gifts to the table. You don't have to cater to everyone - and, in fact, you shouldn't. You only have to cater to the kind of people you specifically want to help and who are a good fit. Something about you and the way you view the world will be the best fit for the right type of client. They like your approach, and you don't even have to sell them too hard. The clients who aren't the right fit go elsewhere, but that's good, because they leave space for the right ones to fill. It's a little like the day you meet your BFF...you get this feeling inside that a partnership with that client is going to enrich both your lives. 

Most days, I feel confident in my talents and abilities to do what I do. It feels not only like a passion but a compulsion, like I simply must do it. But it's so easy to let doubt creep in when my defenses are down. I recently ran across a website for a super talented designer - and I admit that when I was first looking at her site, I felt intimidated until I realized her target client is completely different from mine. And until I found this blog post she wrote (You are gooder than that. Just keep going. And going. And going.) where she discusses her own insecurities that pop up. I thought, "If someone that talented struggles with self-doubt, EVERY entrepreneur probably does." And you know what? They do! Even the best of the best at the top of the entrepreneurial totem pole of success and fame STILL goes to bed occasionally wondering why they ever thought they were cut out for this and what they could possibly have to offer that isn't already being done. It's okay to be scared and feel doubt. Acknowledge the feelings; don't run from them. But remember what we feel in one moment in time does not have to define how we feel overall. 

3) Come from a place of authenticity and love. 

I did a target client exercise that my coach sent me that really drilled down into the specifics of the "ideal client" I can best help. It really got me thinking about one particular client of mine who is often stressed and burning the candle at both ends. We hadn't done any work on her business in a little while because she felt she couldn't take on anything else. I asked myself how I could try to make her feel a little better. So I texted her and told her that I hoped she would have some time to relax over the weekend and that she deserved a break. I wasn't trying to get back on her radar. I was coming from a place of genuine compassion for her. Another example is that I sent someone I met an email telling her tactfully that her website was not reaching its full potential. I wasn't trying to win her over as a client; I simply wanted to help her in some way, whether she hired me or someone else to handle it. She's in her business partly to make a living - as we all are - and was incredibly appreciative of my being willing to be honest with her.

What I do for people is more than a marketing plan to make them more money; it's getting to know them and trying to make their lives easier in some way, to make them feel supported. In just about any line of work, you're offering people some kind of service beyond just what your business is about. If you're an IT professional, you're maintaining networks and workstations so they run smoothly - and your clients' lives and jobs run more smoothly as a result. That's a service within a service. Even if you feel there is no possible service within the service for your line of work, simply being nice and smiling at people makes people's days better. When you can connect with that feeling of higher purpose, when you focus not only on what you can do but the WHY behind what you do (the passion, the drive, and making a difference in some way), that's when the magic happens. Always come from a place of truth and authenticity. That is what will attract clients to you. That's who people like to be around. And besides that, I am in love with my business, and I LOVE my clients. I love seeing their faces light up; I live for hearing their sighs of relief when they realize I'm going to help them through.

I questioned for a while if I wanted to write this post and have it associated with my business in any way. It's easy to feel like you have to present a perfect image to your clients 100% of the time or run the risk of them thinking you're not professional enough or qualified to be advising them. But what I am finding more and more is that people just want the freedom to be real and to work with people who are real too. Being vulnerable enough to admit my insecurities and struggles doesn't make me less qualified for anything at all. It makes me a real, accessible, relatable human being. The designer that wrote that blog post about her own insecurities? If I were the type of client who needed what she does, I'd hire her any day over someone who tried to look like they have it all together because she was authentic.

So here's my challenge to you. 

Try out these three guidelines for at least six weeks. Then see if you aren't in a very different place from where you started. 

What are your own strategies for kicking entrepreneurial self-doubt out on its ass with its ratty suitcase?

The Inner Beauty Movement / Are Self-Love Blogs Fluff?

My daughter checking out her reflection. (It's a child-safe mirror, which is why it looks a little distorted.)
If only we all kept the same friendly relationship with the mirror as we got older!

Let me be honest. Because I always am here. :) And I'm not fishing for compliments. Sometimes I can start to wonder if this blog really means anything to anyone or if it actually makes a difference. How's that for ironic: the self-love blogger feeling insecure about her blog?! Just like anyone else, I can start to let a lack of comments make me question my purpose here. Just about the time I start wondering that, I will receive a comment from someone I've never heard from before saying that something I wrote meant something to them. (You'd think I would learn by now.) And the truth is, whether this blog ever reaches an audience on a wide scale, it has helped me more than I ever thought possible as well. The simple act of constantly thinking of self-love posts I want to write about naturally induces more of it in my life. As a mom, I don't have the time I used to have to devote to it, but it's never far from my thoughts. Every time I watch TV or hear a song or have a conversation with a friend, my mind is thinking of how I can weave a post from some sort of nugget I got because my goal is simply to help people. And if people can glean something positive from my bad experiences (and my good ones!), it adds more purpose to things I went through.

This is not the only blog out there that talks about self-love. There are quite a few of them out there. There is somewhat of a female self-love movement going on in our world right now, and not just from Dove. Even though as far as I can tell, we started this project before the big movement started, sometimes I wonder if I actually have anything valuable to add to this movement when there is already so much going on towards it. Some of those other blogs are so, so good. But then I snap myself back to reality and remember that no one else can tell this "story" the way I tell it. Someone might read my blog and get more out of it than another one because something about it resonates with them more. Someone might read mine and it doesn't resonate with them, but it propels them toward another blog that does. Maybe someone doesn't regularly read this blog but happened upon one particular post that mattered to them that day. All of those things are great. What's important is that the person is actively seeking that journey. My blog isn't any better or worse than the others and vice versa because, while we may all be discussing the same basic principle, we're all doing it in our own unique ways.  I am not jealous of the other, more successful blogs in actuality. I am just happy if people find something that makes them see how beautiful they really are inside and out. 

I recently read on another self-love blog, however, that blogs like mine are essentially fluff. That you can't develop more self-love simply by focusing on it. That you really need to take her e-course to discover how to love yourself more. Now, her course might be a total awakening for some people, and if so, I think that is wonderful. I will not call her out because I sincerely believe that her purpose is the same as mine: to help people. But I don't think it's fair to downplay blogs like mine that promote self-love or try to convince all women that they're beautiful. All of us self-love bloggers have our place in this movement, a place that only each one of us can fill in our individual ways from our unique experiences in our lives. I do believe the more you focus on something, the more it becomes your reality. If you're reading my blog and/or some of the others, I think it's naturally going to start to rub off on you. How you get there isn't as important as the fact that you are trying to get there. There's no one right way or right answer that applies to all women.

My daughter and me.
She's beautiful inside and out,
and I want her to always know!

I really love, LOVE, LOOOOOVE Lifetime's new show, "The Conversation." I have been keeping some notes and quotes from every episode as I've gone along and am just waiting for the right way to convey my thoughts, but sum it up now to say: IF YOU ARE A WOMAN AND YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT DISSERVICE TO YOURSELF. So anyway, I've been perusing their web site now that season one is over, and there is some great stuff there. I came across this post, and it so beautifully describes how I feel - that the inner beauty movement does not have to exclude outer beauty. Let's not get so caught up in the inner stuff that we convince ourselves the outer part doesn't even matter. We're women. We're human. To some degree, for most of us, it does matter. And as the post points out: "By relying on your inner beauty to get you through the long days and cold nights, you might miss a very valuable truth: you ARE beautiful... Here’s the lie: You are either beautiful on the inside or pretty on the outside. Here’s what I say: That’s a load of bull. You as a woman are inherently both." That's why one of our TCN mottos is "Inner AND outer beauty promoted here." They aren't mutually exclusive. 

I'll leave you for now with a list of some of my favorite self-love blogs/sites run by some courageous and inspiring women - all of whom, like me, probably started out in a place of insecurity and worked their way out...I dare say we all still struggle, but we have learned how to fight it better and just want to help others do the same. You don't even have to agree with everything they or I say; you can pick and choose what resonates with you and build on it. There are a wealth of other blogs and sites that are great; these just happen to have found their way into my list.

Medicinal Marzipan

So Worth Loving

Health for the Whole Self

Looking in the Mirror

Miseducated

Nourishing the Soul

Positively Present

The Body and the Brood

Just Be Enough

Operation Beautiful

The Conversation

I also have what I think is a really great Twitter list I've made public of all my favorite self-love tweeters (many of those above, plus others). Check it out and make your own...and don't forget to add us, @narcissisters, to your list. ;)

What is your opinion of the self-love movement? Do you think it is working? Do you believe in promoting or diminishing the importance of feeling beautiful on the outside?

A "Pinny" for Your Thoughts?

Ahh...I am so punny with my use of pinny. I decided to do a search for us on Pinterest to see if anyone had pinned anything from our blog, minus repinning our pins (I guess this is the new "Googling yourself"?). There were a few, and one gave me a very nice surprise...our logo was pinned on a board called "Blogs I Read." Really made my night! Thanks, Tayla! :)

So I had to check out this person's boards - I mean, obviously, the gal has great taste. ;) She has a really fantastic board called "Real Beauty/ED", and I repinned several things from it into our Self-Love & Narcissism board because they were so uplifting and inspiring (and funny). Take a look at both boards for some stuff that will just make ya feel good!!

I also discovered she has a blog and an etsy store. Okay, now I know I sound like I'm stalking her. hehe Her blog is about her road to recovery from anorexia and learning to accept herself. And she has amazing, beautiful paintings that inspire self-love in her shop. So ya know I had to share!

from http://www.etsy.com/shop/jamestayla - isn't this so pretty?

After looking at these boards, which "pin" are you going to print out and tape to your bathroom mirror??

"Real Beauty/ED"        Self-Love & Narcissism

OUTFIT: Channeling Rashida Jones on "Parks & Rec"

I recently scored two new things from one of my very favorite etsy shops, Miskabelle. One of my new finds is a really cool 70s cardigan, which I'll feature soon in an upcoming post, and the other is the maroon and green button-up shirt you'll see below that I got for 15 bucks. The night after I ordered the shirt, I happened to turn on the TV to "Parks and Recreation," and Rashida Jones was wearing a very similar shirt. I got so excited that I had to pause it on the TiVo and take a picture of the screen. Fortunately, I found a better image on the web site. The episode is where Amy Poehler is campaigning and does a bowling night, and this is what Rashida's character wears to bowling:

I got my husband to do a little outfit photoshoot for me, and I've finally realized what the trick is to turning him into a good photographer: he just needed his own iPhone. lol I admit I felt kind of selfish as a new mom doing it until I thought about it. He was wearing our baby, so she was in the wrap, outside, and being walked around - pretty much her favorite things, and the dogs were running around in the yard with us. Everyone was happy. I am trying to remind myself that it wouldn't have been selfish anyway. But I am still struggling with that a little. Now if I could just finish this blog post...

I always feel validated style-wise when I buy something from Miskabelle because Jayme and Amanda are really stylish gals who have a true eye for unique but wearable fashion (not to mention a really interesting and stylish blog with loads of outfit ideas). I honestly feel like if something is in their store, it passes the style test, and I don't even have to think about it. Then when I saw a similar shirt on the gorgeous Rashida, I felt even more stylish.  

I decided to first do the outfit somewhat similar to Rashida's. I don't have brownish pants like that (I think they are brown - ?) or a gray cardigan...or bowling shoes...so I improvised with my gray hoodie, trusty Heidi Klum maternity jeans (good thing I like them; I will still be wearing them for a while yet, methinks), and my also-trusty tall boots. I feel like I take blog pictures in these jeans and boots all the time. But they just seem to work with everything. I like layering and wanted some extra length, so I used a white lace-trimmed tank. I like this outfit for its casual feel. It's very fall-ish. Goes well with our unraked yard even though it's winter. ;)

You are looking at my necklace...right?? ;)

And now my spin on it to add some color and pep – or prep? – it up a little. This teal cardigan is also becoming somewhat of a trusty piece for me. You've seen it before, and you'll see it again. It's soft and lightweight, and the shape of it goes inward at the waist just so and really flatters your shape, and I always feel  good in teal.

  

Do you also notice the little details of what characters are wearing on TV? I have several outfits and other things that I share with characters on "Raising Hope," one of my all-time favorite comedies, and my baby has two outfits and the bouncer seen on recent episodes of "Parenthood." I'm constantly noticing things we own from IKEA on shows. Is it just me, or isn't that really validating to your sense of style? Not that much matters besides what you think yourself, but it's still kinda neat to say, "Hey! I have that!"

Plaid shirt: Miskabelle (I got some of my vintage maternity wear from them too.)

Jeans: Heidi Klum for Motherhood

Lace-trimmed white tank: who knows

Boots: a bargain from Ross a couple years ago

Gray hoodie: Target last year

Teal cardigan: Target a couple months ago

Bottlecap confidence necklace: Us! (Get yours here.)

Headband: another coveted creation by Garlands of Grace